The Bitterness Narrative can be overcome by a conscious effort to reframe how you look at your past, present and future. But this effort takes time, effort, and most of all patience. Of course, you have to decide whether you are willing to risk giving the offending party a second chance. That said, here are seven steps that likely will prove helpful in reframing how you see your life in less negative terms. These are steps to take if you want to start feeling less bitter and feel it is worth the risk of opening yourself to what life is offering.

1) Recognize bitterness for what it is

Bitterness is not about specific behaviors or events. When you’re stuck in a bitterness narrative, every time someone or something disappoints us makes us angry. We react not just to the current situation but to a perceived pattern of behavior or events. In short, we typically become upset over what we see as another person’s personality trait rather than a single behavior. That can be a problem if we truly believe the other person is making some effort to change for the better. Thus, when a spouse comes home late without letting us know, we may feel bitter over their insensitivity. We may well also add to that feeling by thinking about all of the other times they have done similar things that have hurt or disappointed us. That’s a normal reaction to have. It is also true that the angry feeling may very possibly be out of proportion to the particular act of coming home late. It isn’t possible to stop feeling bitter over these disappointments just by wishing it to be so. But recognizing the pattern is a helpful first step.

2) Accept that there is no way anyone can undo the past

There is no way a spouse, family member or a friend can make up for past wrongs. No way they can even the ledger, especially if we feel we have been wronged for years. To accept this does not mean we have to be happy about our past, or even that we forgive the person or persons that have hurt us. What it does mean is that it can be helpful to recognize that we have virtually no power to change our past. As such, accepting this AND placing more focus on the present and future–areas that we can impact–may make sense.

3) Identify what you need in the present

Find a way to express those wants to the people in your life with as little anger as possible. Look at what makes it hard to even express those wants. In short, take a look at your needs in a variety of areas: what you need to hear, what specific help you need on various tasks, what you need to have done to feel more loved, what you need to be doing to have more fun, what you need to help make time for you to have some rest and recovery time. Then look at what makes it tough to ask for these things: fear of disappointment, desire to be independent, fear of vulnerability, not wishing to put a burden on someone else. Yes, it would be nice if people met our needs without our asking and that may come in time. For now, if you’re struggling with bitterness, examine what you feel the cost and risk is for asking for what you need. Also take time to think who may be the best people to ask.

4) Pay attention to whether you’re able to take in the things you ask for

If that’s hard, take a thoughtful look at what makes it hard to receive them. Sometimes, after it feels like your needs have gone unmet for so long, it is hard to accept things people offer us with a positive spirit. You may feel bitterness over why this good thing didn’t happen years before. You may also be distrustful over your partner’s motives, or may feel very skeptical whether this new behavior will last.

5) Identify what, if anything, you are willing to do to overcome these blocks

Accept your feeling of distrust and skepticism as normal AND try not to express them to your partner in a bitter tone. Saying thank you doesn’t mean you are forgiving or forgetting all past wrongs, or that you’re saying the slate is washed clean or that the ledger is balanced. All it means is that you appreciate the intent behind that single action. If you need to express your mixed feelings about this new “good” behavior, express it as an “I” statement. Try saying, “Thank you for that. I’m having a hard time taking it in just now. I still feel angry.” Try saying that rather than reminding the other person of their past shortcomings.  All of this assumes you are choosing to remain in the relationship that has created your bitterness. There, too, you have options.

6) Interrupt your bitter thoughts and take self-soothing action

Do so with a recognition and acceptance of the feelings behind it as valid AND the possibility that the feeling may no longer be helpful to you. Then ask yourself the question, what can I do for myself today?  When you catch yourself thinking bitter thoughts, and you will, try and stop the ruminating, the endless replay of past wrongs and disappointments. Try to identify the feelings underneath your bitterness. Hurt? Frustration? Loneliness? Despair? Then ask yourself what you can try do to help meet the needs those feelings suggest to you. It may mean speaking to your partner, or calling a friend. It may mean distracting yourself. In any case, try to take action that helps you feel better in that moment, regardless of what the other person in your life does (or doesn’t) do.

7) Cultivate patience and a healthy assertiveness

The bitter person often feels they have already been too patient. And perhaps they have. Yet this may be the first time in a while that you are trying to work on this problem in a new way. Progress in overcoming bitterness will be slow. Bitter feelings will only fade gradually, as you get a sense that your needs and feelings actually can be met and acknowledged. But the bitter person can begin to acknowledge positive actions by others when they do occur. Doing so helps your own hurt feelings gradually be soothed and so that positive behavior in those around you is reinforced. If both things happen, positive change is possible and bitterness will slowly fade. But patience and a healthy assertiveness will both be necessary.

I repeat, it is possible to overcome a narrative of bitterness in your life. Doing so will be both freeing AND require taking some emotional risks. It is not something you have to do, but it may worth considering. But an important factor to consider is whether the person who you are considering giving another chance has also shown signs of being willing to change. If not, you may need to consider reaching out to new people.

The Bitterness Narrative Series

The Bitterness Narrative Series is written to help couples who are dealing with bitter feelings in one partner based on the bad behavior of another partner, such as addiction, gambling, cheating, and so on. Or perhaps both partners have behaved badly. Undoing the pattern of bad behavior and mistrust involves work on the part of both parties. The partner who is feeling bitter and distrustful may benefit from reading the first installment of the series, followed by the second entry. The third entry in the series talks directly to the “prodigal” partner and encourages patience.

Click on the following link to be returned to the first article in this series.

The Bitterness Narrative 

If you’re the person trying to do better and help the other person in your life become less bitter, click on this link:

When You’ve Made Some Bad Mistakes, Understanding Their Bitterness

Mark Carlson-Ghost, Ph.D.

Image courtesy of Pixabay