When you’ve made some bad mistakes in a relationship, the road back from your partner’s bitterness is a challenging one. Just making positive changes isn’t enough, at least at first.
The kinds of mistakes I’m talking about often fall in the category of extended periods of chemical use, gambling, or one or several incidents of infidelity. This is the type of behavior that deadens hope and ultimately creates bitterness in the other person in the relationship. This is the other side of the bitterness narrative I’ve discussed in previous articles. For an earlier article on the self-talk of the partner trying to do better, click here.
Reestablishing trust and acknowledging their bitterness
The thing the person trying to make amends must remember is this. Even if their partner makes a sincere effort at forgiving them, fundamental trust has been violated. Reestablishing trust and moving beyond bitterness can be a very long process. It may be helpful to think of trust as a bank account. A few weeks or even a few months of good behavior will not get the trust account into the black after years of bad behavior. But those first few weeks are helpful. They just need to be followed up by a few months more.
Don’t expect applause for your positive changes.
If you’re serious about saving your relationship, make a commitment to persist in your new and better behavior for at least six months without expecting much recognition. Even if you see little sign of appreciation, you need to know that in many cases each week of good behavior is slowly moving your partner’s trust in you towards the black. Find a supportive family member or friend who will support you and affirm you in your efforts to keep on track. Don’t expect your partner to do this for you, at least at first.
Accept their anger and their bitterness, which I think of as being anger that has hardened into a habit, as a given (at least for now).
In the meantime, your partner’s anger will continue to surface. Anger is not something that can just be dealt with once and be done with. It comes in irregular and erratic waves. You need to accept this and recognize that this is something not entirely within their control. Acknowledge their anger when it comes.
You don’t need to defend yourself or do something remarkable at that moment. Simply say, “Of course you’re still angry. I understand.” Or words to that effect. What is important is affirming their feeling. This is not about beating yourself up, or humbling yourself before them.
Remember—their anger is not bad, it just is.
Honoring their feelings. This isn’t about you
This is about honoring their feelings, not you being humbled
Also remember—just because they’re angry at you, doesn’t make you a jerk. Honoring their feeling of anger, and recognizing the origins of their bitterness, is about honoring them as an important person in your eyes. It is about letting them feel heard and understood. Providing rationales or explanations for your bad behavior typically interferes with this key process. Provide explanations or rationales for your bad behavior rarely and only after you’ve asked if they want to hear it. And then after you’ve spent several paragraphs of good, solid listening.
To simply and non-defensively honor another person’s anger is not saying you’re worthless or totally to blame. If you have shameful feelings about past behaviors, this is for you to work on overcoming. It is not the job of the wronged party to help you feel better about your past bad behavior. Just as your partner will need to work at managing their anger as best they can.
Patience is the key
Be patient. Your partner was patient for a long time before they became as angry as they currently are. The two of you fell in love for a reason. With perseverance and a little luck, that love can often be resurrected, though occasional flashes of anger and wounded trust may still resurface.
The Bitterness Narrative Series
The Bitterness Narrative Series is written to help couples who are dealing with bitter feelings in one partner based on bad behavior of another partner, such as addiction, gambling, cheating, and so on. Undoing the pattern of bad behavior and mistrust involves work on the part of both parties. The partner who is feeling bitter and distrustful may benefit from reading the first installment of the series, followed by the second entry. The third entry in the series talks directly to the “prodigal” partner and encourages patience. This the fourth and final entry in the series. For those embarking on this path, I admire your courage and commitment to trying to make things work in your relationship. Only the best of wishes sent your way!
Seven Tips for Overcoming Bitterness
When You’ve Made Some Bad Mistakes, Understanding Their Bitterness
Doing Better is Just the Start, Moving Beyond Bitterness
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